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Now that Israel has assessed the damage, it has announced that Iran’s missile attack was an embarrassing failure, despite what you might have seen on social media. Please let me explain:

The nation that created a generation of orphans measures success in terms of how many civilians you kill, and Iran killed an embarrassing zero. Israel, on the other hand, kills an average of 35 civilians per bomb, which is yet another reason why the IDF is the world’s most moral army.

The IRGC explained it targeted military infrastructure in order to comply with international law, so we’re pretending it didn’t hit anything significant. All those videos you saw on the internet were imaginary. Therefore, you are under strict instruction to memory hole them, otherwise you will be deemed a thought criminal.

We can’t have people dwelling on the truth for too long, otherwise they might notice the absurd contradictions, and this would be embarrassing for the empire.

Iran’s hypersonic missiles cut through the iron dome like it was a piece of wet toilet paper, hitting several of Israel’s air force bases, or as Prime Minister Starmer calls them, civilian targets. Thankfully, Israel didn’t harm any civilians because those missiles missed, and… oh bollocks, we’re getting ourselves in a horrible mess here, aren’t we?

Despite its setback, which definitely never happened, Israel explained that in a war with Iran, it would win by killing the most civilians. An Iranian spokesperson said: “We don’t want to kill your civilians, we just want you to stop doing genocide and accept a two-state solution”. Iran is such a fucking loser.

As much as Iran is weak and pathetic, it’s also a terrifying monster that leaves Israelis living in fear and might one day conquer the world… No, this is not a massive contradiction, shut up! We are only two weeks away from Iran having a nuke, just like we have been for the past 20 years.

Obviously, it would be terrible for the country that has not invaded anyone for 300 years to have a nuke. But if the country that bombs five countries in a day has a vast arsenal of nukes, that is totally fine.

Prime Minister Netanyahu has reassured us that war with Iran would be brilliant for the Middle East. The man who said invading Iraq would be brilliant for the region is famously never wrong. Thankfully, the US has reluctantly agreed to fight Israel’s war instead of doing healthcare. Obviously, the UK will do whatever the US tells it to because we don’t have our own foreign policy. No wonder Netanyahu strutted into the war room today and said: “Looks like I’m not going to jail after all, lads”.

Just know that when war kicks off, Israel is not going to fight because it can’t face a handful of Hezbollah militants in the desert without running away. Some IDF soldiers have been taken out of action by bee stings, for god’s sake. Therefore, I’m excited to reveal that you will be fighting for Israel! What do you mean, you’re 47 and have arthritis? If 60-year-olds can fight for Ukraine, I’m pretty sure 47 year olds can fight for Israel. Stop being so lazy!

When the iron dome runs out, Israel is gonna need an awful lot of meat shields, and let’s be honest, that’s all you’re good for! Please stop murmuring about your reservations. If you don’t support war with Iran, you must hate the Iranian women we’re about to blow up, you fascist!

Israel has done everything it can for those Iranian women because it has a proud track record of protecting civilians. For example, the civilian casualty rate in Gaza is only 90%. We can extrapolate this from the number of dead children so please don’t question my figures.

Israel’s careful strategy was “de-escalation through escalation”, but disgracefully, Iran responded with unprovoked violence. The IRGC launched a military response to reduce Israel’s ability to further escalate. Just who do these people think they are? Thankfully, Israel is planning a massive attack on Iran’s oil facilities which would cause an environmental catastrophe. I’m old enough to remember when we condemned Saddam Hussein for this sort of behaviour, but let’s not talk about that…

President Biden said he’s unfortunately powerless to stop Israel, so instead, he’s helping them plan the attack and he’s supplying the bombs. The fact an oil attack would significantly impact the Chinese economy definitely did not factor into the equation.

Just know that if Iran responds to a strike on non-military infrastructure with a strike on military infrastructure, this would count as terrorism. Are you keeping up here? No? Don’t worry, that’s the point of propaganda!

You’re not supposed to understand why our politicians do Israel’s bidding, but Boris Johnson let slip Netanyahu once hid a wiretap in his bathroom. You can imagine all the embarrassing shit Johnson was getting up to, can’t you? Now imagine how many other leaders Netanyahu has wiretapped. Imagine how easy it would be to send that information to their wives. No wonder the ones who are funded by AIPAC do as they’re told. You can’t beat the carrot and stick approach, can you?

US vice presidential candidate Tim Walz said he considers the “expansion of Israel” to be a “fundamental necessity” and he’s a moderate. I’m just relieved we’re openly talking about this now because it makes my life so much easier. (I have a horrible habit of accidentally letting the truth slip out.)

You would think Israel’s scheme of bribery and blackmail means World War III would be a walk in the park, but sadly, our puppets in the Middle East have thrown a spanner in the works. Crushing Iran might not be as straightforward as we had hoped…

Outrageously, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, the UAE, Bahrain, and Kuwait will not allow the US to use their airbases because they’re worried about siding with the loser. Plus, ending the influence of the country that subjugates the region would be a massive win for them. It’s gonna be so awkward if they switch sides, isn’t it?

You might think this is unlikely because historically, Saudi Arabia and Iran have not been friends, but the Saudi foreign minister is telling Iran he wants to “permanently close the chapter on our differences.” This is fucking terrifying if you’re an imperialist.

Iran has the ability to destroy the lightly-guarded US bases in Iraq and Syria, and its submarines have the ability to sink ships that get too close. Just know that when the empire incurs heavy losses, it will all be worth it.

The horrible alternative is that Biden stops arming Israel and forces it to accept peace. And peace doesn’t bear thinking about, does it? x

Original article: normalisland.co.uk