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Here is Wikipedia’s entry on the 2022 NordStream pipeline “sabotage”, and how the best investigators of Sweden and Denmark, despite their sterling efforts, could not determine whodunnit. Though NordStream now ranks with these others of the most unsolved crimes ever committed, no doubt many great novels, as yet unwritten, and greater movies, as yet unmade, will appear in the year ahead to unmask the culprit and titillate the rest of us.

Though veteran journalist Seymour Hersh has pinned NordStream on the Yanks and their Norwegian toilet lickers, that seems a bit far-fetched to me. I go with the prevailing orthodoxy that some phantom Ukrainian Nazi group sailed a phantom ship into the heavily monitored Baltic Sea, dropped some phantom divers, blew the pipeline with some phantom explosives and, ghost-like, disappeared into the ether, leaving no earthly trace behind them.

Far-fetched? Not really, as Germany, which had its economy destroyed by this terrorist act, does not seem at all anxious to even investigate the matter which, unlike the Jack the Ripper or Zodiac killer outrages, is slowly sinking down our common memory hole.

Perhaps, as NATO suggests, Putin did it as part of one or other of his devilish plots. Not that Putin personally donned a wet suit and planted the explosives himself but, like Professor Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes’ nemesis, he got others to do it for him. For, just as Holmes said it about Moriarty in The Valley of Fear, so also does NATO’s media never tire of telling us that Putin is “the greatest schemer of all time, the organizer of every devilry, the controlling brain of the underworld, a brain which might have made or marred the destiny of nations—that’s the man!”

And, as Putin is a damned Russian to boot, he must be our man. Look at his book shelf, for God’s sake. Not only does he read and have the temerity to quote Kant, but Russia Today tells us that he is au fait with the works of Ivan Ilyin, who sided with the Whites during Russia’s Civil War.

Not only that but, as Putin is familiar with the works of Alexander Dugin, whom NATO labels Putin’s brain, it seems NordStream is an open and shut case. If Putin is reading modern Russian philosophers with an eye to keeping the Russian mother ship on an even keel, then of course, they are all fascists, Nazis, pipeline blowers and so on.

The only thing that is needed to close this case is PC Plod, solid detective and yellow journalist’ work to wear Putin down like a pack of wolves does its prey. To that end, I would suggest a NATO police officer of the calibre of Javert, who relentlessly tracks Jean Valjean down in Les Misérables or the lieutenant who hunts down the whiskey priest in The Power & The Glory before sticking the priest up against a firing squad to be sent on his merry way into the hereafter.

Although both of these antagonists are, like the books they feature in, pure fiction, NordStream and other unsolvable crimes prove that because truth is stranger than fiction, fiction can be a spring board to solving cases like Nord Stream, which have baffled NATO’s best, if not brightest, minds.

That is a little joke. When thinking of NATO’s best sleuths, we must remember that the only good NATO cop is a dumb NATO cop and, somewhat like the Overton window, those cops can only look for evidence where NATO allows them to look. We don’t want our cops sniffing about where they should not be sniffing, and discovering the NordStream criminals are sending them on a wild goose chase.

We need a plodding simpleton like Inspector Clouseau, not a resourceful chameleon like Inspector Columbo on the case. And that is not just my opinion but, as Jordan v City of New London shows, it is American case law. In that 1996 landmark case, the court found that Robert Jordan was too intelligent to become a police officer in New London, Connecticut and that there were three reasons NATO does not want high IQ cops like him. These were that highly-intelligent candidates tended to question police department policy; and that, unlike Hitler’s Wehrmacht, they wanted to know the reason for a policy– and they argued about it. The second cited reason was that high-IQ candidates tended to be flexible in applying the law, rather than rigidly sticking to the letter of the law when in the field. If something didn’t seem sensible, they substituted their judgement; and, finally, because they would not last the pace as unthinking “NATO team players”, they would have to be replaced too often to make hiring them economically viable.

Sherlock Holmes aside, there is one other cop, Lieutenant Columbo of the LAPD, who might be able to solve the NordStream mystery. Even though Putin has probably never heard of this American sensation, NordStream has Columbo’s inverted mystery format written all over it. A terrible crime has been committed, we all know who the culprit is and now we just want a Columbo type figure to bumble in, catch the culprits off guard and pin the crime on them.

And, though Putin probably doesn’t burn the midnight oil watching Columbo reruns, he is very familiar with the fictional cop on whom Columbo is based. That cop is Porfiry Petrovich, the astute but meandering lead investigator in Dostoevsky’s Crime & Punishment, which Putin has undoubtedly read more than once and which has undoubtedly figured in hundreds of his casual conversations down the years.

Isn’t it delicious that that now greatly maligned classic, one of history’s greatest pieces of literature written, as it happens, by one of Russia’s greatest ever writers, will help unmask the terrorist criminals who blew up Nord Stream? I love the irony and so should you.

But Dostoevsky, you say, is dead and Petrovich never lived. Though technically true on both counts, Dostoevsky/s writings are immortal and Petrovich’s tactics are mirrored not only in LAPD’s Lieutenant Columbo but in Russia’s President Vladimir Vladimirich Putin, whose patience might have been cloned from Petrovich’s spare rib.

And that is Putin. Fancy all the budding young Russian writers, with a Dostoevsky, Chekhov or Tolstoy beating within them, who are this minute writing fictional NordStream whudunnit scripts. Little chickens there who will happily come home to roost.

And, whatever about the prevaricating Raskolnikov, we can find other parallels between NordStream and Crime & Punishment, not least in the victims, who both seemed powerless when compared to the perpetrators. But there the similarities end because both crimes, Dosteovsky’s fictional one and NATO’s real time NordStream one have, somewhat like Goethe’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, each opened up a Pandora’s box, whose end results they cannot foresee, let alone control.

NATO, like Prof Moriarty before them, have committed the most egregious of crimes not only since the formation of that criminal cabal but, in the case of the nations that sit at its heart, long before Interpol was even a twinkle in Hitler’s eye. The peoples of Russia, Libya, Syria, Iran and half of Africa have paid their dues in blood to this monster a million times over and Russia, and those other countries in a position to bring some order and justice to matters, are saying enough is enough. Never mind the Hollywood imitation. Russia’s current crop of Porfiry Petroviches, together with their equivalents in Iran, China and elsewhere, are more than capable of identifying those high class criminals who should swing over NordStream and a thousand similar crimes and, as they also have Petrovich’s patience, they will wait until the time is ripe to spring their own trap, whereupon the NATO predator will become their prey.

Though NordStream is not the worst crime the world has ever seen, it is almost unique in that it was sanctioned by NATO’s top brass, who consider themselves immune from all laws of God or man. Though justice delayed over NordStream may well be justice denied, NATO martyr Martin Luther King Junior tells us that the arc of the universe is long but that it bends towards justice. Though the arc of the universe is so long there is no knowing where it ends or even begins, what we do know is this. NordStream is one of a galaxy of crimes NATO have refused to properly investigate, let alone solve. Fair enough, but ever since NATO’s criminal Libyan genocide, Russia and China, together with their allies and civil society partners, have had a gut full of this non stop criminality and, whatever about Columbo, Petrovich, Sherlock Holmes and the rest of them, Russia and China, together with their allies and civil society partners, have no choice but to demand the incarceration of Joe & Hunter Biden and the other criminals who are implicated in Nord Stream, bio labs in Ukraine, organ trafficking from Ukraine and a thousand other equally sick crimes I don’t even want to think about, let along read or write about. Over to you, Porfiry Petrovich, and those who follow your example.