Though those Chinese students MI5 expels might miss out on Paris 2024, they can look forward to happier and less paranoid meets in Russia, China and allied countries in the years ahead.

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The news that less Chinese students can now apply for Schengen visas to watch their compatriots swim for Olympic gold in Paris is a mixed blessing. On the positive side, those thousands of innocent students MI5’s finest have caught spying for China will not have to brave the air defence systems pitiable, pathetic France has borrowed from Greece to defend their skies and they will not have to contend with the British and Polish special forces goon squads Macron has drafted in to defend his lawless streets. As it is still up in the air whether NATO will allow the doped up Chinese swimmers to compete, there is a high chance the Chinese students might not get a chance to celebrate their country’s wins over the Americans and Aussies. Such a shame for these budding Mata Haris.

As things currently stand, MI5 are complaining that Chinese students are poaching Britain’s best defence secrets, the nuts and bolts of how Britain defends Paddington Bear and Harry Potter from sneak Chinese and Belarusian attacks. The Americans and Australians, meanwhile, are bitching that the Chinese cheat at swimming, just as Kamila Valieva has to cheat to beat others, who are nowhere near her superlative class.

Let’s first take the students, as it is something I am very familiar with. The more than £25 billion in tuition fees the more than 100,000 graduate Chinese students, who annually wash up in Britain, pay the bills of the elite Russell Group universities and, without them, many of the parasites who are in (less than) gainful employment at those universities would get their P45s. Though the Chinese pay top dollar, they, along with all international students, get woeful value for money and it is high time Russia, China and allied countries broke that cosy cartel by giving those students relevant educations in Crimea or somewhere else that might treat them with respect and give them value for money, as that is a NATO market that is ripe for plucking.

As regards passing on vital secrets, the British should really get a grip. Although companies like Rolls Royce pay Southampton and other universities top dollar to research into silent submarine turbines and the like, few Chinese students would have access to any of that cutting edge research. Though British and American hard science researchers have long used Chinese post-graduates as a source of cheap labour, leakages to the CPLA would be minimal and would be as nothing compared to the spying that goes on in the auto industry where, for the record, Perfidious Albion no longer matters.

Still, facts and common sense like that are not the strong card of MI5 Director General Ken McCallum. Far better to justify his existence by getting his henchmen to vet and screen vulnerable Chinese women barely out of their teens to see if any of them can be turned. Whatever about McCallum, the vice-chancellors of the two dozen leading universities he recently summoned should tell him to shag off if they and their cronies wish to keep their own easy earners.

Instead of slandering these hundreds of thousands of Chinese students, MI5 and their flunkeys in the universities should try to give them value for money, instead of robbing them blind for shoddy courses and shoddy accommodation, as is now the case. As regards artificial intelligence and the other areas those Chinese Mata Haris are allegedly fishing for, the Chinese are now so far ahead of the game that it is not really worth their while to fish in Harry Potter land. These wannabe James Bond toffs should cop themselves on. It is the British and their American and Ossie buddies who must now play catch up.

MI5 claims that the Chinese students they exploit are an army of Mata Haris is a racist smear and nothing more. And, truth be told, the tsunami of smears against China’s swimmers are not much better and are also done because the Chinese are again so far ahead of the field.

At the heart of the Chinese swimming scandal is that the Olympic dominance of Australia and the Yanks might, along with the lucrative contracts that dominance begets, be threatened should the Chinese rise above their allotted station. Although that is a concern for both countries, it is more pronounced in the case of the Australians, who have a particularly gifted team this year, even when measured against their relative over-performance in the pool down the years.

Australia’s high performance sport strategy is the polar opposite of the cavalier approach those jokers market to the outside world. Stripped of its WOKE jargon of inclusivity and diversity, it entails scouring their entire nation to match particular men and/or women with particular sports which best suit their genetic and physiological attributes. If Australia had a swimmer with the attributes of Usain Bolt, that swimmer will be dragooned into sprinting sooner than MI5’s BBC can call children like Kamila Valieva names. In their quest for Olympic gold, the Aussies, and the Brits and Yanks as well, will leave nothing to chance.

Now imagine if the Chinese pulled the same stunt, if they scoured the demographic ocean that is the Middle Kingdom for athletes with the perfect physique to excel in the pool.

Whether the Chinese do that or not, the fact is they have been very successful at swimming. And none more so than Ye Shiwen, a young Chinese teenage girl, who won a chest of Olympic golds and who, somewhat like Valieva, was attacked for having, according to NATO’s voyeurs, suspiciously big feet and hands, both of which are as handy attributes for a swimmer as Bolt’s physique were for a world class sprinter.

Now, we adults have other things to worry about than the size of Ye Shiwen’s big toe or whether she should be as unfairly pilloried as Russian child sensation Kamila Valieva was, and still is. Nor should we adults particularly fret about whether the Chinese follow the established American practice and dope themselves up with illegal stimulants, as these NATO links here, here, here and here proclaim.

Even without the participation of Russia and Belarus (who are picked on, along with Russia for the strangest, most sinister and sectarian of reasons) and even if we gloss over Israel’s participation and Macron’s hypocritical call for an Olympic truce in these Greek, Polish and British protected games, the Chinese have the French and all of NATO over a barrel for these Olympic games, Like the drug infused Rambo himself, NATO need a villain they can show themselves superior to in the pool as much as on the track and, though China is the fall guy, China has some pretty serious talent to draw from, talent that puts the Aussies and the Great Satan of the USA itself in the shade. Although one solution to this pickle would be to expel China and all her budding Kamila Valievas, just like the Belarussians were expelled, that would leave NATO with a much thinned and very bare field. And it would guarantee even quicker successes for the BRICS Games where all the indications are that, whatever about contracts with Nike and Reebok, BRICS’ slow and steady approach wins the race for the hearts and minds of all decent-minded sports lovers worldwide.

And, though those Chinese students MI5 expels might miss out on Paris 2024, they can look forward to happier and less paranoid meets in Russia, China and allied countries in the years ahead.

Sure, those Chinese students will miss seeing the over 85,000 French soldiers, gendarmes and private security contractors defend their swimmers and the spies amongst them will also miss out on seeing the Greek Air Force’s Crotale short-range surface-to-air missile system defend Macron’s palace against non-existent enemies. But, from a professional point of view, they can sleep soundly in the knowledge that Russia has far better air defences in place and that all China needs to do to acquire and reverse engineer those systems is cut the Kremlin a hefty cheque. Far simpler, no matter what MI5 says, than pottering about Harry Potter land in search of a good Peking Roast Duck before risking a bout of diphtheria on Paris’ rubbish strewn streets.